I do my best stressing, panicking and sulking in isolation. I let my imagination run wild as I sink myself deeper and deeper into loneliness and build an entire fortress of justification and pity. And I am very, very good at it. There are songs, movies, books and food I use to comfort and fortify my position and I have poetry and other work I’ve written in the depths of the mountains of my feelings. In other words, we were besties were very comfortable with each other.
I became a mother a couple years before the pandemic, and in my culture young mothers can’t get anything right. I was firmly greeted with that reminder when a nurse glibly told me, just by looking at me, that I wouldn’t be able to breastfeed. Now, I had just had a very traumatic and long delivery the night before and had only glimpsed my child at this point. Needless to say, I was in tears as soon as she walked out. That encounter however, made my mind up for me. If we kept to ourselves, I wouldn’t have to deal with the hurtful things other people would say. This sounded like a great solution especially when I was already struggling with the guilt of how my delivery impacted my child.
I wouldn’t realize until after, that I was suffering from postpartum depression and anxiety. In fact, I think I was anxious throughout my pregnancy but I hid it very well, making sure to only panic google different medical conditions at night when my husband was asleep. I cannot tell you the amount of very vivid nightmares I had about delivering my baby everywhere but the hospital. This anxiety was also buttressed by the loneliness I felt because my life as I knew it was changing. Slowly, I stopped being invited out by friends, had less visitors, and started being what felt like a spectator rather than a participant. It felt like life was just happening around me, but not to me because I was pregnant.
When I gave birth, I was desperate to find out whether the unsettling loneliness, phantom cries, sleeping fits and perpetual worry were shared by anyone else - they weren’t. So, I stuffed the feelings down and made sure to cry only when I was alone and the baby was sleeping.
I hid my struggles and I pulled away from everyone I thought didn’t or couldn’t understand them. My own physical healing was a slow and painful process. Six weeks barely made a dent and it took more than seven months for my doctor to say I was finally making good progress.
If I’m honest, I was angry. I was angry things didn’t go the way I had planned. I was angry that my body had failed at the last minute, the most critical time. I was angry that I hadn’t bounced back. I was angry I was in pain. I was angry that my friends couldn’t see how I was feeling. I felt disconnected from everyone, including my child. I would sit and stare at my baby, praying to feel connected the way I did when I was pregnant but it didn’t happen. Everything was different, everything was harder, slower and it hurt. The disappointment I felt in myself was tough and isolation became a firm friend.
My mother was and still is the only woman I know to this day that shared with me that she also experienced postpartum depression, difficulty nursing and anxiety. It bonded me to her in a new way. She gave me space to cry, an ear to vent and physically pulled me away when I would choose isolation.
Maybe I’m an extreme case, maybe I’m not- but the overwhelm that can accompany the transition into parenthood isn’t rare. I didn’t know what I would need as a new mother, and chances are many women don’t. I do think though, that I could have benefited from community, not a circle but community where support is everyone’s modus operandi and burdens don’t feel heavy when shared. Community looks different for everyone so I’ll share my ideal community:
Mental health/Emotional well-being : a space to talk about and learn what’s normal and what isn’t and when to get help. Y’all, I was that mother bawling in the driver’s seat while my child was screaming in the backseat with reflux. It. Was. Rough.
Physical help: I had this and it made a HUGE difference. My husband is truly a partner and watching his transition into fatherhood was everything. My mother was an angel. My brothers and my father were terrified of me 😅 but always stood ready to help.
Environment: not having to worry about cleaning, cooking and maintaining our home was a blessing. We moved a few weeks before our due date and I did not lift a single finger thanks to our friends. Not everyone enjoys this privilege but this is an easy and unobtrusive way to help your friends. Show up with food and clean the bathroom, wash dishes, bring eco-friendly disposables, offer to get gas, bring groceries. (Please note, if the person is anything like me you may have to insist and/or just do it anyway even if they politely decline.)
SOCIAL: it took a while but when I did connect emotionally with my child, leaving to do anything by myself was difficult. I had very physical reminders that I was a mother with a child waiting at home. However, socializing outside of being a mother helps you to feel like a person and not a milk cow. It adds so much to your self worth. Invite your mommy friend out!!! Do it more than once. Remember she is tired, so you may have to be patient and gracious- she may only be able to do an hour at a time or at weird times, but please invite her out.
To the mothers, say yes to help. Choose one thing each month to get help with and start sharing your load. I know this is hard but it’s worth it. It can be something small like asking a friend to bring you your favourite snack or asking for an hour to watch your favourite show or to go for a walk.
If isolation is your go-to coping mechanism, asking for and getting help will feel intrusive, inconvenient and messy. Worst-case scenario, you will learn your boundaries and your friends’ capabilities but Best-case scenario, you’ll start to build a village for your child and yourself.
I’m not going to declare that the pandemic is over but I will state confidently that isolation - no matter how introverted we are, can do more harm than good. So join me in looking at your bubble and seeing how you can let people in to start building your community for yourself and your family.
x,
Jan
